Fundraising Terrorists

They are EVERYWHERE. You know who I mean. The doorbell rings and there stands an adorable little child. He or she is wearing an impossibly nerdy button up shirt littered with badges with things like fire and planets and ozone and unidentifiable blobs. This child, whose mother is standing 30 feet away on the sidewalk, looks up with their big eyes and says in a tiny a voice, "I'm selling..." 

If I had just shut the door and run before that scout started talking, it would have been fine. Unfortunately, I now have approximately 37 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies and 36 containers of Boy Scout Popcorn on the way. Those kids are RUTHLESS.

Yesterday, I was exiting the grocery store and there they were. The Boy Scouts. There was a whole horde of them with their feral eyes and handmade misspelled signs. They had a table heaped with boxes of crappy, overpriced popcorn products. They were scanning the exiting shoppers, looking for the weak ones to separate them from the pack so they could descend on them and push the popcorn into their hands. They prey on the weak. I am NOT to proud to admit that I immediately, like a crazed bumper car driver, cut off another woman so I could take cover behind a grossly overweight man and his cart full of cat litter and Oreos. He may have saved my life.

This is a cautionary tale. Check before you open your doors. When you exit stores, keep your head down, eyes focused on your cart. If possible, wear ear buds so you can feign deafness to their pleas. Remember... these aren't just children. They are guerrilla scouts. They'll do anything to get the "trick people into buying stuff that costs at least four times as much as it would from the store" badge. They are merciless.