My Personal Addiction

Everybody seems to be claiming addiction as the cause of all of their problems. Every time a celebrity does something stupid they claim addiction. It's getting a little tiresome, don't you think? I mean, couldn't Tiger Woods just admit that he's a man-whore and took advantage of his fame to sleep with every woman that was willing? Maybe he would be less of a punchline. Maybe not, but at least it would be honest.

But, since it is in vogue to claim that any misstep is due not to a weakness of character or bad judgement but because of an addiction and thus completely out of my control, I have a confession to make. My name is Dorothy and I am a mascara and eyeliner addict.

Dual addictions are the most difficult to deal with, as you may have heard, and I struggle each day with mine. In fact, today I spent at least ten minutes artfully layering black and purple eyeliner and smudging each with a flat brush before adding three coats of midnight black mascara. When I finally took stock of the finished effect, I realized that I had hit a new stage in my addiction. I looked into the mirror and saw Ke$ha's future.

And I was afraid.

I am confessing my addiction here in hopes that I will find a way to conquer it. Not really. I had more to say about this, but the mall will be open soon and I want to go and get some of that mascara with the vibrating wand. 

LOST in Despair: 12 Steps to Overcome my Addiction

Hi. My name is Dorothy and I'm a LOST addict. I have watched and theorized and obsessed over clues for six years. Tomorrow it will be over. I am LOST in my despair. In preparation for this devastation, I would like to share my twelve stop program for dealing with LOST addiction. I hope it will help some of you.


1. Before beginning, find your Constant. Admit that you are powerless over the electromagnetic pull of the Island and its inhabitants. 


2. Believe that a Power greater than yourself (Jacob) can restore you to sanity.


3. Make a decision to turn your will and your life over to Jacob (as you understand him - tricky, I know).


4. Make a searching, fearless moral inventory of yourself, including any and all LOST paraphernalia, randomly doodled quotes, tattoos, and fan fiction. Face your inner Man-in-Black.


5. Admit to Jacob, yourself, and someone who has no clue who Desmond is, the nature and depth of your obsession.


6. Be ready to allow Jacob to remove your defects of character and hopefully give you some wine (not muddy stream water) while saying, "Because we don't accept this as a simple potion, but so that he shall be as one with me" in Latin. 


7. Humbly ask Jacob to remove your your shortcomings and provide a recommendation for a doctor to laser off the "Not Penny's Boat" tattoo from your bicep.


8. Make a list of all the people you have annoyed by attempting to explain LOST to them when they clearly, as Eloise would put it, are not ready.


9. Make amends to those people by discussing the Real Housewives of anywhere with them. This will be painful, but it is penance.


10. Continue to take personal inventory. I know you still have that collector's edition TV Guide under your bed.


11. Pray to Jacob, as you understand him to be... even if after Across the Sea you thought he was a candidate for the short bus... to give you the power to continue to live without LOST in your life.


12. Have a spiritual awakening, realizing that the DVDs will be released, allowing you to relive your days of addiction without the added sparkle of mysterious goodness... and prepare to mourn for the rest of your life because there will never be another LOST. Ever.