The REAL Secret to Writing Proposals for Freelance Marketplace Jobs

 The idea for this post originated from a tweet in my Twitter timeline linking to an article about writing a "perfect" proposal for freelance jobs. I was curious... was I doing it wrong? I have more work than I can manage - I'm even turning down jobs right now. But could I be doing better? I followed the link.

Well, the article was idiocy but it did prompt me to do a little more research. There are thousands of articles out there about writing perfect proposals. There are even eBooks that, for a mere $25-65 explain in minute detail exactly how to write that winning proposal. I am here to tell you the REAL secret.

I feel just like the Mythbusters right now. I wish I had some exciting special effects as I do this... Okay, are you ready? The secret to writing a proposal that will win a job in the freelance arena is.....

There is no secret.

Yes. I'm serious. All of those articles out there are contain common sense advice. Obviously, a personalized proposal will go further than a cookie cutter one. That's really the only tip you need. Write a unique proposal for every single job. Never have a pre-written proposal with fill-in-the-blank job identifiers. Clients can tell.

So, dear readers who freelance, this is my holiday gift to you: The secret to writing a winning proposal is that there is no secret formula. Stay tuned... my next post might just be interesting to you. I will post some of my more interesting winning proposals for you to check out. I think you just might be surprised... but those of you who know that I'm on the verge will just smile.

Freelancing and Honesty

I'm pretty sure I didn't get a job on Elance because of honesty. I read the job description, wrote my proposal, and submitted my bid. A few days later, the prospective client messaged me with more information. I think this is when it fell apart.

The client sent me a list of things that he wanted researched and asked if I thought I could do the job. With my nursing background, the vitamins, minerals, and organic ingredients were familiar to me and I let him know that I could certainly provide him with the research he desired. His notes indicated the need for clinical research, journal articles, and test results. I let him know that, in some cases, that information is only available if one purchases the journal articles. I wanted to be honest with him. If he wanted the most thorough and up-to-date information, there might be a cost associated with it. I said that I would find all that I could online and would refer him to any information that might be out there for a fee.

A few hours later, I found that he had awarded the job to someone else. I really think it was because I told him that, in order to get the most reliable clinical information, he might have to pay for it. Of course, once the job is awarded, I can no longer communicate with the potential client, so I will never know for sure.

I suppose I could have just said, "Sure! I can give you everything you need!" But I know that some of that information is going to be difficult to find outside of medical journals. I felt that being honest was better than failing to provide the information or springing the fee-based articles on him later. It cost me the job.

There are freelancers out there who will do anything to win the job. I'm not one of them. I'm WYSIWYG - and yes, I love to rhyme that with "Fezziwig" - and proud of it. I won't lie and I won't badmouth others. If you're looking for someone to tell you exactly what you want to hear, whether or not it is true, don't call me. However, if you want to work with someone who will be honest about her skills and your job... I'm here and ready when you are.

72 Hours of Rest Only Sounds Good Until You Try It

I have been struggling with neck pain since early August. At first, my doctor thought it was muscular, but when traditional treatments and medications didn't touch it and some numbness started to appear, the nightmare began.

Of course, it all starts with a traditional x-ray. At least that one is easily scheduled, right? And the reason it is so easy to schedule an x-ray is that it pretty much tells the doctor nothing in a case like this which is why we started with the whole "ice it" therapy that progressed to "flexeril" that progressed to "maybe you'd better see a neurologist for a nerve conduction study.

For those of you unfamiliar with nerve conduction studies, they suck. Oh, sure, it starts out harmless enough with a few little shocks to your lower arm and hand that make your fingers jump, but just when you start to think it's cake, the real doctor comes in with the needles. Yeah. Needles. And he sticks them in and shocks you. This part is NOT fun. At all. By the time he was finished poking me in the neck I was ready to punch him in the groin... I figured that was fair... but he stopped me with his big reflex hammer to my knees and I thought maybe I should wait until he was unarmed. Anyway, that lovely test revealed that there was some vague issue with the nerves from my cervical spine but to find out what would require another test. He gave me a prescription for some nerve pain pills and shooed me away.

Each successive test took longer to schedule than the last. Oh, and the next test was an MRI. And I'm claustrophobic. The 5mg of Valium didn't really help me all that much as the crabby tech slid me into the tight tube with a paper towel over my eyes. She threatened to make me come back another day, but there was no way I was going to go through it again so I pushed back and she grudgingly continued, admitting that she "probably" got enough for the doctor to see. Which required another trip to the neurologist.

By now I'm stressed and annoyed. My doctor has given me Valium to get through until I get some results. And the neurologist, when I finally see him, says that there is some compression on at least one of the nerves extending from the cervical spine. Of course, he couldn't do anything more for me. I'd have to see a neurosurgeon. At this point, the pain was pretty bad and I just wanted to get things over with. It took nearly a month to get in with the neurosurgeon.

The surgeon flipped through the MRI images, whacked me with his hammer, and declared.... that I needed another test. According to him, a myelogram would show him exactly what was going on. I would have it and within a week we would have a plan. I was thrilled that things were moving! It was, by then, mid October and I was exhausted from the emotional and physical pain. His office called on a Friday afternoon. The mylogram would be in... a month. *sigh* I asked about pain management. A week I had figured I could ride out, a month? No way. They told me I had to call the neurologist because he had initially prescribed. His office was closed on Friday afternoons.

After a weekend of discomfort, I called that neurologist early Monday morning and waited all day for a reply. At 7pm he called me back to tell me that I was no longer his patient and the surgeon would have to prescribe. I instantly regretted not punching him in the groin when I had a chance. Luckily, Tuesday morning, I called the surgeon's office and they immediately set me up with narcotics. I could have kissed him on the lips.

I saw my general doctor in the interim and she upped the nerve pain meds and told me to call her next time. She would be happy to help me out. I really wished I had called her sooner. Anyway, I just had the myelogram, which consisted of some interesting meds that made me not care what they did to me, injection of dye into my cervical spine (not fun even on drugs), and x-rays followed by CT scans. The worst part of all of this, aside from the anticipation, was the pain and headache afterwards... and the 72 hours of taking it easy.

72 hours of laying on the couch with a book and magazines and the TV remote sounds like heaven. Until you HAVE to do it. Until you've watched 1.5 seasons of edited episodes of Weeds, the entire current season of Desperate Housewives, and caught yourself nearly watching a LifeTime movie. And that was all in the first 2 days.

Oh, as for the next step? I have to wait another MONTH to see the neurosurgeon for the results of the myelogram. At least I have narcotics.

Learning Curve

One of the really fun things about being a Freelance Writer is that I get to learn so many new things. Seriously. To write the articles I'm hired for, I have to do research. I've learned about lots of tech gadgets, dental terms and treatments, and even a little HTML.

I love to learn. I think it would be a lot of fun to go back to college if not for those pesky tests and grades and things. Oh, and tuition... Anyway, I love to learn and I have to thank my clients for giving me the opportunity to continue to expand my mind every day.

An Oldie But Goodie about Parenting... Sort of...

This is a repost of one of my favorite entries from my old blog. The best part? It's all true...

Last spring, slogging through the mire of required courses for my high school age son, we discovered that every student is required to take a half credit parenting class.  Trying to be proactive, we decided to get it out of the way during the second semester of this, his freshman year.  We were presented with two options:  Child Psychology and Parenting.  We knew that in one of the courses, a weekend with a computerized baby was required.  Logic dictated that the baby would be part of the Parenting class, so my son signed up for Child Psychology.

Apparently logic has nothing to do with high school courses, because my son was assigned a weekend in April with “Wing Lee”, his Asian baby.  In preparation for our guest, my son cancelled all of his plans.  He ditched the movie with his friends, declined to sing in the choir at church, and planned to stay inside with Wing Lee all weekend.  There was no way in hell he was dragging a baby doll out anywhere with him.

On Friday, I drove to school to pick Sam up.  He trudged out of the school with a blanket covered lump in a car seat, a diaper bag, and grim expression.  The entire trip home he fiddled with the sensor bracelet that he would have to scan over the baby’s stomach or back before dealing with it, to confirm that he was the caregiver.  We got home, unloaded, and waited for the “activation”.  His teacher had refused to give any inkling as to time of launch.  

Wing Lee on Arrival

Around 4:00pm Wing Lee began to cry.  He had 4 cries:  Feeding, Changing, Burping, and Rocking.  The student was required to “chime” the infant with his wrist band, determine the baby’s need and meet it, and then record the time and his comments.  The first few hours were basically uneventful, with feedings and changings and miscellaneous cooing sounds in between.

The feeding and changing cries became easy to identify.  The burping and rocking were indistinguishable and were increasingly grating.  It took between fifteen and thirty minutes to satisfy the burping or rocking cry.  Apparently Wing Lee had colic... or rust on his microchip... either way he was one unhappy electronic infant.

Wing Lee not being comforted...

 Sam had planned to just forgo sleep for the weekend, but we convinced him that he needed to try to sleep when the baby did.  He shut his door for the night, Wing Lee tucked safely in his car seat.

Saturday morning found Sam up early with Wing Lee.  The night wasn’t too bad, but knowing what his friends had gone through, he knew that Saturday night was bound to be horrible.  The weather was gorgeous, but taking Wing Lee outside would be risky.  If anyone bumped the seat or jostled him wrong it could cost points.  If Wing Lee was picked up without perfect head support, he would wail for what felt like an hour.  We took him in the back yard for a short while, feeding, changing, burping and rocking and generally not enjoying the day. 

By afternoon we were getting sick of Wing Nut’s whining.  He had no schedule at all.  The teacher told the students that he had varying schedules, but I have had three children and ten nieces and nephews and none of them had any “schedule” like Wing Nut.  He would cry to be fed, take the bottle for 10 minutes, be quiet for 5 minutes and want to be fed again.   Once he ate 4 times in one hour with no burping.  The burping was completely random and unrelated to feeding.  As a teaching tool, this thing was ridiculous.  If it had a learning curve, where the student could begin to anticipate the baby’s needs, maybe it would have made sense, but the random absurd demands taught nothing. 

Saturday night, Sam was up with Wong Fu 12 times.  He was exhausted.  We found him on the couch in the morning, baby next to him apparently sleeping.  “Sure, sleep now, Stupid!” my son glared at it.  Wing Nut demanded Sam’s full attention Saturday and by nightfall he was a mess.  He dreaded going to bed because he was certain that the baby would cry every five minutes. 

We put an air mattress next to our bed and kept Sam and Wong Fu company for the night.  He wasn’t up as often, but Monday morning, we were all ready for Wing Nut to go back to school.

Wing Lee by the end of his visit (We had all aged)

With relish I completed my parent portion of the baby packet.  I stated that the tool was foolish and useless.  I do not think it will deter teens from having sex.  I do not think that in the heat of the moment, a teen will stop and say, “Oh no!  Remember Wing Nut!  We should stop!”  The experience did not kick off any conversations about parenting because we have already had them.  I ranted about the lack of schedule and the horror of keeping a fifteen year old up all night with a guessing game.  C’mon, at night it couldn’t be programmed to change, eat, burp and go back to sleep? I made clear the fact that this was a parenting activity and had no place in a Child Psych class.  Luckily my pages did not count as part of his grade.  He managed to get a 90% all on his own.  With one unsupported head pick up and one cry that went unanswered because we couldn’t figure out what the hell Wing Nut wanted, he passed with flying colors. 

What did we learn from this wonderful experience?  I’m making sure my other sons sign up for Parenting Class.

Fundraising Terrorists

They are EVERYWHERE. You know who I mean. The doorbell rings and there stands an adorable little child. He or she is wearing an impossibly nerdy button up shirt littered with badges with things like fire and planets and ozone and unidentifiable blobs. This child, whose mother is standing 30 feet away on the sidewalk, looks up with their big eyes and says in a tiny a voice, "I'm selling..." 

If I had just shut the door and run before that scout started talking, it would have been fine. Unfortunately, I now have approximately 37 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies and 36 containers of Boy Scout Popcorn on the way. Those kids are RUTHLESS.

Yesterday, I was exiting the grocery store and there they were. The Boy Scouts. There was a whole horde of them with their feral eyes and handmade misspelled signs. They had a table heaped with boxes of crappy, overpriced popcorn products. They were scanning the exiting shoppers, looking for the weak ones to separate them from the pack so they could descend on them and push the popcorn into their hands. They prey on the weak. I am NOT to proud to admit that I immediately, like a crazed bumper car driver, cut off another woman so I could take cover behind a grossly overweight man and his cart full of cat litter and Oreos. He may have saved my life.

This is a cautionary tale. Check before you open your doors. When you exit stores, keep your head down, eyes focused on your cart. If possible, wear ear buds so you can feign deafness to their pleas. Remember... these aren't just children. They are guerrilla scouts. They'll do anything to get the "trick people into buying stuff that costs at least four times as much as it would from the store" badge. They are merciless.

Seriously?

I might have (okay, I did) admitted to burning one book and recycling another, but I have to say that Wesley Scroggins is an idiot. If you don't know who Scroggins is, you can do one of two things. You can click on this link  to read about it or just read on here. Oh, or you can close this page and go on about your merry way and leave the whole censorship thing to the rest of us.


Here's the gist: Scroggins is speaking out against Speak, a young adult novel by Laurie Halse Anderson, Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut, and Twenty Boy Summer by Sarah Ockler. He cites softcore porn, language, and promiscuity to be the "problems" with these works. As an aside, he is also miffed about the inclusion of homosexuality, oral sex, anal sex, and use of a condom being taught in 8th grade sex education and reproduction in 4th grade sex education.


First of all, Mr. Scroggins is an associate professor of management. He holds no degrees in education, psychology, sociology, or medicine. For some reason, he seems to feel that the rape in Speak is sexually exciting, the "f" word in Slaughterhouse Five is excessive, and the flirting and dating in Twenty Boy Summer is glorifying drunken teen parties and sex. 


I don't know anything about Twenty Boy Summer, so I can't comment there, but on the other two? He's dead wrong. Speak is the story of a girl trying to move on and deal with a horrible rape. It has helped so many kids deal with situations and has helped others come to understand those circumstances and empathize. For those of us parents who read it with our children, it opened the door to communication about some tough topics. It is for High Schoolers, and that makes sense as far as the subject matter.


Slaughterhouse Five swears no more than the average 15 year old on the school bus. Yes, it's a lot, but Vonnegut is brilliant. Depriving High School students of his prose because of words they hear every day is idiotic. Just because they hear it doesn't mean they have to say it... at least that's what I have always told my sons. 


Censorship is wrong. Our children are going to face all kinds of situations and language in their lives. It's up to us to teach them what to expect and to give them the tools to respond. I feel sorry for the children of the Republic School District in Missouri. We need to challenge people like Scroggins who scream about banning books. We need to use controversial literature to spark conversations with our children. 


All I can say is this: Don't want your kid to read a particular book? Whatever. Just don't try to stop mine from reading it.

Book Burning

I was going to soften you up with a little recap of that nutty Pastor who was going to burn the Quran for no other reason than he's a nut, but I opted to skip that and jump right into the part about book burning. More specifically, the fact that I have actually burned a book. Well, not me, but I was an accomplice and I lit the fire.

Now, don't get all upset. I didn't participate because of censorship or because I was feeling hateful about the author or the subject matter. It was purely a stress reliever and celebration. Really. My son was sentenced  invited to read The Zimmerman Telegram when he was 13. It was the lovely consolation prize for the children who were considered "gifted" and therefore deserved some additional opportunities. The teacher (and I use that term loosely) who assigned the book was one I had issues with. She tried to teach the kids "no taxation without revolution". Anyway, she gave the students involved photocopies of the book. That's right. She photocopied ten copies of an entire book. Then fun really began.

That book was as dry as burnt toast. If you love history, I'm sure you'd have been in heaven, but my son and I were gagging it down. In support of this lovely program, I had agreed to read it with him. What was I thinking? We slogged through it and when it was all over... we burned it. We pulled out the pages and lit a fire in the firebowl in the backyard. We took turns gleefully tossing the pages into the flames. It was a celebration of having made it through the punishment  reward and coming out unscathed. It was actually pretty fun.

So, yes. I did once participate in a book burning. Shocked? Maybe sometime I'll tell you about the book I *gasp* threw away!

Tweet Me

I love Twitter. There I said it. I have met some of the most amazing people on Twitter from all over the world. We communicate, in 140 characters or less, about everything from pop culture to politics to just silliness.

On Twitter, I am WotV, the Woman on the Verge (of greatness or insanity - depends on the day). My profile picture has the caption "Evil Genius" in neon green letters. I toss off sarcasm and wit when I can, and offer friendly words, assistance, and support to those who need it. I try to be genuine. I try to be entertaining. WYSIWYG describes me. I say whatever comes into my mind and let it go...

I have nearly 750 followers. I expect at least 700 of them are hoping to sell me something, despite my weekly disclaimer that if they are following with the expectation that I will "click their links" they will be disappointed as I am not that kind of girl. 

Today, for fun, I asked my followers to come up with some adjectives to describe WotV. They came up with some hilarious and wonderful answers: 

@msquick1 - Pulchritudinous, glorious

@Surfingsue - Spellbinding

@ceebee308 - Sweet, adorable, helpful, friendly, and Uber-Awesome

@Steveberman - Crazy, eclectic, eccentric

@KatScratches - illicit, congenially acerbic, irreverant, deranged, and indescribable

@JohnBetcher - Bitchin' (after a sarcasm fail with "cutesy")

@crabbyknickers - Rawr! 

@MLGoodell - self-centered, whiny, needy, demanding, amusing, and laughing!

@indiepride - passionate

@JustRachel - feisty

@amyshoultzphd - solipsistic

@shadowflame - sharp (clarified as both indicating smart AND stabby)

@SpencerSeidel - beautiful, terrifying, sweet, and wicked

I love the fact that they took the time to answer and to come up with such great responses! I'm also tickled by the descriptions. Twitter is like a great big playground. And I like to meet my friends there every day...

What do you think? Did they do a good job with their adjectives? What did they leave out?

Edit:
Ha! Some late additions:
@sandbar17 - Amazing!
@DianneLittle - Very Witty
@terencewest - Saucy!
@hyphend - freakin' AWESOME (my brother is the best, isn't he?)

@Liquid_Hip - Sassy, salty, brassy, sweet. Depends on the day. Depends on the drink. :)

Still Wondering About Elance?

I joined Elance in April 2009 and am currently a Premier Provider in the Writing and Translation category. Elance helped me get started on my freelance writing career and I continue to be impressed by the services they offer to providers.

It was intimidating to start a new career, but I have always wanted to write. At the time, I had no idea how to become a freelance writer. After some web searching, I identified a few likely sites: Examiner, oDesk, Guru, Wisegeek, LimeExchange, and Elance.

Because I was a beginner and wanted to cover all of the bases, I applied to and was accepted into all of the sites. Some required more extensive information than others and had restricted access to their job listings until I was signed up. A friend had worked from Elance and recommended them, so I started there and was very impressed.

Before you think I drank the Kool-Aid, let me say that I did work for Wisegeek for a few months. I enjoyed the experience and learned a lot about SEO writing, but in the long term, the requirements were too restrictive and the pay too low so I left them to focus solely on Elance. I still have free memberships on the other sites and receive periodic emails from them with job listings. Those emails are how I know I made the right choice.

Here are few examples of projects currently listed on other freelance sites: 5000 links to be checked and rewritten with a budget of $50-100; 15 pages of original content (1500 words/page) for $5 per page; 6 Excel spreadsheets with research required for eleven items and extensive categorization with a budget of $20.

I would like to say that these are not representative of the caliber of the jobs on those sites, but they in fact are. Elance has its share of jobs with low budgets or incomplete information from buyers, but for the most part overall, the listings are fairly priced and clearly explained.

In addition to access to great jobs, Elance offers several tools that protect providers. The Hourly Work Guarantee, with hours verified by Work View™, assures that providers will get paid for hours worked. The Fixed Price Work Guarantee utilizes escrow to ensure that clients have the funds to pay for the job while ensuring payment for the provider. I have used both systems with great success. I was concerned that Work Viewä would seem intrusive, but it wasn’t at all. It was actually quite a good tool for gaining the trust of a new client. He was able to see that I was working on his project during the approved hours and I was able to gain a repeat client. For fixed price jobs, I always appreciate the comfort provided by that little money icon showing that escrow has been funded.

I am also protected by the Terms of Service. On Craigslist, as an example, a writer may be asked to write an article “on spec”. Basically this is free, unpaid work. Elance’s TOS states that providers cannot provide this type of work and jobs requesting it are removed from the site.

As for navigating the Elance site, it is really quite intuitive and easy-to-use. Each job has its own workroom from which providers can access all of the necessary tools to manage each job. I like to be able to communicate with clients and access all of the information associated with their jobs in one place.

Over the course of the last year or so, I have encountered a few issues and had some questions. The Elance community message boards provided me with suggestions, advice, and a way to blow off steam with others who understand the freelance world. I have also contacted Elance representatives for issues and the experience was very good. I have used email, support tickets, and telephone assistance to ask questions or to request assistance. Each request was answered quickly and helped me to work more efficiently or to resolve a problem.

Is Elance perfect? No; but it’s far superior to the other freelance marketplaces. It has an established presence online as well as a simple, intuitive, efficient interface. I can honestly say that I love working with Elance and I plan to continue to do so for many years.

Interested in trying it out? Use the link below to get started!

TWINTS (Twitter Hints)

I have been tweeting for 447 days. I have over 19,000 tweets. Some are infinitely more interesting than others. I have over 600 followers (I have no idea how that happened), and follow over 500 people and businesses. I have accumulated some interesting thoughts and hints along the way that may or may not be of interest to others...

ReTweeting (RT) Etiquette
Some people use Twitter for self promotion. They send out a tweet with information that they would like their followers to share. Here's my hint: If you really want folks to RT, make your tweet short enough that it can be done easily. When we RT, it adds "RT @username" to the tweet, making it longer than the original. If I have to spend time figuring out the best way to shorten a tweet, most times I won't bother... I'm sure I'm not alone in this.

Don't RT everything you read. Serial retweeters are annoying. I have unfollowed several people who RT every single news item or charity plea that they see. It clogs up your followers' timelines and they don't read them or they unfollow. I will read one or two tweets about a need for help. After that, it's in the noise.

All Work and No Play is No Fun for Readers
If all you tweet is self promotion, your followers will most certainly become bored with you. Show some personality. Prove that you are not a bot. Show us why we should be interested in you. If it's all about the
sell and I know nothing about the person behind it, I won't care.

This also pertains to looking for followers. When I get a notice that someone is following me, I go check them out. If every tweet is about some link to a business opportunity or a sea of RTs, I don't bother following back.

That's it for this morning... Post any questions and I will answer!

Frozen Spasming Trapezius

That's the diagnosis of the moment. I couldn't make that up if I tried. It is, quite literally, a pain in the neck.

Creepy Internet Friends: Part Two - Claw71

After I posted my CIF story, I began thinking back to meeting each one. It's funny how we are all so incredibly different, yet have connected in a fundamental and very meaningful way. These wonderful people, whom I have never met in person, are among my most trusted friends. And, in most cases, meeting them was pure joy. All except claw71.

I first met many of my CIFs on Passive Aggressive Notes. I'm not sure how I ended up there in the first place, but I was intrigued by the comments section. Often the comments were funnier than the notes and there was an obvious camaraderie among several posters. There was also the tendency to gang up on posters who were nasty, acted superior, or were just plain unfunny. I tentatively posted a few things and was happy to see that Mishee had accepted me into the cool crowd - she was quite the central figure in those days on PAN.

The one person I was intimidated by was claw71. His comments were well-written but extremely perverse and controversial. His dark humor was downright scary sometimes! I'm talking, "I might just be a child molester or I might be kidding but you'll never know" kind of scary. I decided to steer clear of him just in case. Not that I'm a child, but I prefer to avoid provoking crazy people. And I wasn't too sure about claw's sanity.

When I finally wandered into the Troublemaker Headquarters, now re-named the Jim Jones-ish 'Community', I was accepted with open arms. This is where the PAN regulars hang out. It's like a virtual living room where we can relax, share funny stories, complain about our lives, and seek comfort from friends. The honesty there is wonderful and sweet. There's still snark and silliness, but with an undercurrent of caring. Political topics can get heated, but there are no grudges kept.  Discussions are thought provoking and interesting, yet often the mood is light and joking. Banter and innuendo abound.

It was in TMHQ that I found out that claw is not what he appears to be on the Main Threads. I saw him respond with thoughtful intelligence and even (dare I say it?) kindness. He could still sling some scary stuff, but  I was no longer afraid. In fact, I love to engage in banter with him and have called him to the message boards when he has been absent and we are in need of his special brand of humor.

I should warn you: Do NOT run over to PAN and hope to become claw71's BFF. Don't expect to be welcomed without earning some respect on the Main Threads. We do have standards, after all. But the effort is worth it. At least it was for me. My CIFs at PAN saw me through some dark days. They have given me advice and pep talks and support. I love each and every one of them. Even claw71.

Creepy Internet Friends

Today, one of my Twitter friends was lamenting her lack of topic for her blog. I told her that when in doubt, I write about my Creepy Internet Friends. When I looked back, I realized that I hadn't mentioned them in several months - so I thought it might be a good time to revisit.

While "Creepy Internet Friends" might seem an odd title, it is actually an affectionate name for my closest friends. I know what you're thinking: Since when does creepy = affection? Since these are people that are dear to me and yet I have never meet them in person. We met online and continue our relationship online and through text messages. This may seem bizarre to you, but working alone in my office all day gets boring. I keep Twitter and Facebook open so that I can have an occasional conversation, debate, or discussion about current events and issues - very much like having a chat with a co-worker in a traditional workplace. Because the Internet is sometimes viewed as a playground for stalkers, the word "creepy" seems to be appropriately ironic.

Who are these CIFs? Well, there's Wade, anglophile, oi, amy_d, Hyphen D, unholyghost2003, Clearly Demented, Saysh, Mishee, CB, RunBarbara, Frankie, tink, mamason, mamarilla, Timo, TOS, rose, fan, mark, Beanster, snee, claw, vfbr2001, Spence, T, JustRach, and msquick1... to name a few. If I've left you off, it's not that I don't love you... it's just that I thought you might not like your real name posted... or that I've just been overwhelmed with emotion thinking of how many wonderful friends I've made over the last couple of years. Either way, feel free to yell at me. Don't forget to use CAPS LOCK.

 So, to all of my CIFs from the Troublemaker HQ to Twitter to Facebook... Thank you for being in my life.

Edit: OTWB, sdog7, KatScratches, murgy, amet_sorgin, sandbar, rocksnbugs, JetGibbs, zabbs, ... and all of my OLTL and NCIS friends! Forgive me! You are most definitely creepy.

Edit #2: indiepride,  Luke, ceebee, albinosmurfie & his smurfette, Bunnee and so many more friends! I am so blessed!!!

Logo Woes

I've been thinking about logos. After adopting Word Mercenary as my title... By the way, what do you think of that? Should I keep it? Here are some of the other suggestions from my friends:

• Writer on the Verge
• Write On
• Write of Way
• Pages
• Words & Stuff
• Write Now!
• Wordstorm
• Scrivener 2.0
• Worth Words
• Literary Solutions
• The Flaming Keyboard
• A Lass in Writerland

Any of those strike you as unimaginably cool? Where was I? Oh, the logo. I thought it would be awesome to have a logo to use on my things. What things? Business cards, stationary, the blog, and whatever else I could attach it to. A friend quickly designed the one on my page here - and I like it. But my husband has taken marketing courses and said that the icon needs to be something more indicative of my qualities as a writer, rather than a sniper. So, I am back at square one and still looking for ideas.

Are any of you uber-creative? Can you make me a logo that represents creativity, efficiency, productivity, and all-around awesomeness? Should I keep my Word Mercenary title or go with something else? Help!

In Defense of Elance

I have seen several blogs, tweets, and forum discussions of the drawbacks of working through Elance. I just want to take a moment to discuss my personal experience with the company and tell you why I continue to work with them.

I began my freelance writing career by applying to every service I could find. Demand Studios, Guru, Textbroker, Lime Exchange, Elance, and About.com were all on my list. As I began searching through the job listings, I found that Elance was the best fit for me. The other gigs were either very low pay - textbroker, lime exchange, and guru - or had very long response times - About.com.

Before you start in about the low paying jobs, know that I won't disagree. There are some low paying gigs listed there. Some buyers are looking for cheap work. Many of them say it right up front, which saves time, because I just don't bid on those jobs. I use the information that Elance provides to research the buyer before I bid. I see the ratio of jobs awarded, the type of feedback they tend to leave, and how much they have paid for other jobs. If a buyer consistently awards jobs to the lowest bidder, doesn't award jobs at all, or leaves mediocre feedback stars with "excellent" in the comments (thereby lowering a provider's rank), I don't bid.

Compare this with the average listing from freelance sites that provide gig links. Many of these are on Craigslist or other job sites. I have applied to several of these with poor results. I frequently have no response at all or vague commitments or requests for work on spec. For the most part, these jobs simply do not pan out.

With Elance, spec work is not allowed. A buyer cannot ask a provider to write up a sample based on their needs, thereby getting free work. Elance has dispute resolution and service to assist providers who have difficulty with clients or vice versa. I haven't had many issues with buyers, but when I did, Elance helped me work through the process. It was good to have a middle man to help me settle things.

Is Elance perfect? No. The fees are a little steep and I think that the current ranking system should be tweaked and should separate teams from individuals. I don't work exclusively through them, but I do continue to use their web site on a regular basis. I have learned a lot about pitching and writing proposals as well as managing client interactions and more. Elance's transparency - the ability to research the buyer before submitting a bid - is a great asset. I will continue to work with Elance and encourage other freelancers to do so as well.

My Personal Addiction

Everybody seems to be claiming addiction as the cause of all of their problems. Every time a celebrity does something stupid they claim addiction. It's getting a little tiresome, don't you think? I mean, couldn't Tiger Woods just admit that he's a man-whore and took advantage of his fame to sleep with every woman that was willing? Maybe he would be less of a punchline. Maybe not, but at least it would be honest.

But, since it is in vogue to claim that any misstep is due not to a weakness of character or bad judgement but because of an addiction and thus completely out of my control, I have a confession to make. My name is Dorothy and I am a mascara and eyeliner addict.

Dual addictions are the most difficult to deal with, as you may have heard, and I struggle each day with mine. In fact, today I spent at least ten minutes artfully layering black and purple eyeliner and smudging each with a flat brush before adding three coats of midnight black mascara. When I finally took stock of the finished effect, I realized that I had hit a new stage in my addiction. I looked into the mirror and saw Ke$ha's future.

And I was afraid.

I am confessing my addiction here in hopes that I will find a way to conquer it. Not really. I had more to say about this, but the mall will be open soon and I want to go and get some of that mascara with the vibrating wand. 

When it Rains...

Update from the Verge: My ear is still clogged and my balance is completely nonexistent. It's funny, yet frustrating as hell. I went to the doctor today to have him look at a lump on my shoulder. A med student, resident, a janitor, a secretary, and some guy off the street who may have once considered medical school all agreed that it is, indeed, a lump. They also decided that they have to "excise" it.

I would prefer that they "exorcise" it, because it sounds way cooler, but I suppose I'll let them just cut it out. Then they'll send whatever prize they find inside to a lab so that they can figure out what it actually is... besides, y'know, a lump. My guess is that it will be like finally finding the prize in the cereal box and finding that it is utterly  disappointing.

In addition to my malarkey, my husband broke one of his metacarpals this weekend. For those of you uninitiated in med-speak, he broke one of the bones in his hand. Today he is going to have it checked out and casted. Hopefully he won't need a surgical repair. If he does, I wonder if they can make his hand bionic. That would be awesome. As it is, the kids want him to get a red cast so he can be Hellboy.

Between the chaos of injuries and illnesses, I still have all of the hustle and bustle of everyday life - driving one son to a summer class, trying to encourage my youngest to read, and trying to prep the oldest for college. Somewhere in those precious moments that are seemingly unoccupied, I must wrangle some words.

As a Word Mercenary, this week I am ghostwriting a children's book, editing dental website content, reviewing websites, writing audiobook news, and something else that I cannot call to mind at the moment. Huh. I'd better figure that out!

Freelance Illness

I love most things about freelancing. The one big inconvenience is the lack of being able to be sick. I have no sick time. I am not allowed to be sick. I have deadlines and due dates and while my regular clients would have no issue if I explained, some of my newer ones won't give a hoot that I'm sick. That's why I'm at my computer today.

I swam a lot last week. It was hot and humid and my husband had taken the week off. I did only the most crucial and time sensitive jobs and enjoyed being outside. On Monday of this week, my ear started to hurt. As a mom, if one of my kids complains, I take them to the doctor. When I feel sick, I ignore it. I'm too busy to be sick so I simply deny that I could even consider the possibility. It rarely works out.

By Tuesday, my balance was suffering and I couldn't hear at all from my right ear. I hip-checked a Pop Tart display in the grocery store while trying to navigate the aisle. I couldn't stop laughing... I think the store staff thought I was drunk.

Wednesday, my Facebook friends threatened me with bodily harm if I didn't see a doctor. Considering the pain, lack of balance, and irritation of my kids because I kept saying, "What?" to everything they said to me, I made the appointment.

This morning, the doctor couldn't even look in my ear. It was too swollen. Oh, did I mention that I lost my balance stepping onto the scale? Yeah. Fell off the scale. Nice, right? I had to assure the nurse that I had not been drinking.

Went straight to the pharmacy to pick up my drops (driving very carefully with my head tilted to the left which seems like it would help, but doesn't) and when I got there they said they didn't have them. In fact, they wouldn't have them until tomorrow. I'm not too proud to tell you that I started to cry. Listing to the left, I explained that my ear hurt and my balance was a mess and I NEEDED the drops. NOW. The tech took pity on me, asked me to sit down and had an urgent conversation with the pharmacist who tried not to stare at me. They called my doctor and got another order for a generic that they had in stock. It took me 3 tries to slide my debit card through the machine, but I finally completed the transaction and left with my miracle in eardrop form.

I feel like crap. I have very little focus. My ear hurts. I am trying to work, but failing miserably. Forgive me, clients, but I'm taking a sick day.

Education Reform - My Way

I'm pretty much sick of crappy teachers for my kids. There are the ones who stop teaching once they get tenure and feel they are immune and can treat the children with disdain and disrespect. There are the ones who just don't teach at all - or actually teach our kids inaccurately (yes, a teacher did try to teach my child "no taxation without revolution"). There are teachers who have such poor classroom management that very little content is taught. And then there are those who are simply teaching to the next test or assessment.

Why is the response to our children's failures more tests? Has anyone considered that it might not be the kids' problem? That it might just be related to the fact that the teachers are failing the students?

Principals and assistant principals do "observations" of teachers to assess their skill and effectiveness, right? Did you know that these are scheduled in advance? The teachers know exactly what day and time they are going to be observed. They plan their lessons around this. I've seen it with my own eyes. A teacher who is fair at best, teaches like a woman possessed by Athena, the Goddess of Wisdom when being observed. She has formulated her questions so that she knows that the students will be able to answer accurately and offer a testament to her teaching skills. Does this strike anyone as WRONG?

I think observations should be spontaneous and unannounced. That's step one. Step two is more radical and would be hated by many teachers. I think students, parents, and paraprofessionals should be able to offer an evaluation of a teacher at the end of the school year.

You are always going to have a couple of people who just didn't get along with a teacher, but if there is a trend among the comments - it would seem that further investigation is warranted. This would also benefit those teachers who are doing an outstanding job. It would provide them with feedback and confirmation. Those teachers who are not doing well have a choice: use the feedback to improve, or complain about the unfair procedure. Guess which one they will likely choose?

Administrators should be getting input from families. We are their bosses, after all. I pay school tax, therefore I pay the salaries of the school employees. I would love to have a say in evaluating their performance... wouldn't you?

An Easy Job if You Know What You're Doing.

Unbelievably, that phrase is repeated with alarming frequency in job postings for freelancing writing. Loosely translated it means, "This is so incredibly easy I won't even consider paying you what you're worth". I struggle with the temptation to respond to these potential clients, who somehow, somewhere glommed onto this offensive idea. These are some of the responses I considered:

Then, you don't know what you're doing?
If it's so damn easy, why don't you do it yourself?
Don't you mean, "a pain-in-the-neck job that I don't want to do, but I don't want to pay for it either"?

Another horrific tendency is the client who wants to pay $1 per 400 word article. This is not a typo. Oh, and they want all original content that will pass copyscape. Don't forget that you have to research the topic thoroughly and each of the 50 articles that you will be providing for $50 must be completely different. No problem!

One more trend that is always good for a laugh is a post like this one (this is an actual posting):

Creative Writing - articles I will provide topics


What the hell does this mean? How many articles? How long does each article need to be? Is it about something I know or will I have to research? The worst part about this kind of posting is that writers bid on them. With no clarification whatsoever, 12 people bid on the job. I'm baffled.

I actually admire those who, in their postings, say that they don't really care about quality. As long as it is stuffed with keywords, they are happy. They want cheap work and they are willing to pay crap money for it. Personally, I'm not willing to provide it, but that's just me.

Word Mercenary for Hire

A friend has dubbed me Word Mercenary for Hire and I like it. It makes me sound like a super hero or Rambo or something. Now instead of sitting in front of my computer idly stringing words together like pretty beads, I attack them and beat them into submission until they are absolutely perfect.

I am a Word Mercenary... and I like it.

A Bad Experience/A Learning Experience

I recently took a job that seemed like a good fit for me. I won't get into specifics, but it was writing a self-help book about relationships. The client was aware of my background and was enthusiastic about an article I had written for him on the subject. The style was to be fun and flirty. I was enthusiastic. The client seemed nice and he welcomed me to his team, saying he would have many projects for me. We spoke a few times via skype and came to an agreement.

I sent my proposed table of contents and that's when I should have been suspicious. He wanted to make sure I didn't waste time on the "romantic" aspects of rekindling relationships. I was to stress the physical. Hmmm....

The next week, I sent what I had written so far and was told to back off of the basics and get to the descriptions of what a man could do for a woman. I started to worry.

The next week he sent me the proposed title. I will not enter it here for the same reasons I am keeping details vague. I am covering my butt. The title and subtitle were pornographic and suggested force and sexual aggression. I was appalled. 

I didn't sleep for two nights. I knew I could not write what he wanted in good conscience. I could not compromise my integrity. I was afraid that he might try to hurt my reputation if I backed out. Finally, I decided to refund the payments he had made and retain the rights to my content. He asked me to reconsider, saying that I could continue along the lines I wanted, but I did not feel I could trust him. 

I lost a good amount of time and money on that project, but I learned some valuable lessons. I cannot compromise my integrity for any amount of money. I cannot write content that will potentially hurt or lead to the mistreatment of others. I have friends and family who will support me through my struggles, no matter what. If I have any concerns, I will ensure that all client interactions are in writing. If it seems hinky, it probably is.

I am not a Facebook Whore. Are You?

This will likely offend people. Proceed at your own risk. I'm not going to mess around and rant about the evils of Facebook and your privacy being violated. That's all been done to death. I'm going to talk about Facebook Whores. We all know them. They are the folks who are using Facebook as both a personal communication tool as well as for self-promotion.

Some have two Facebook pages: one for "fans" or whatever they call it now when you "like" somebody and one regular page that is supposed to be for connecting with people. Many only have one page and they just multi-task on it. No biggie. Not my business, right? Right.

But am I the only one who furrows my eyebrows at people with over 1,000 friends? C'mon... You must be a Facebook Whore. At first, I felt inferior with my paltry 75 friends. Then I looked through them. All 75 have some meaning to me. Many of them are my creepy Internet friends - my best friends in the world. And you know what? I ignore friend requests from people I don't know. *pauses to acknowledge gasps of horror*

Yup, I don't really want to wade through anyone's status updates if I don't find them interesting. Seriously. In fact, I had almost 80 friends, but went through and dropped a few because I realized that they were people I accepted before I knew any better.

So... before you get all angry and tell me I'm an idiot and all of your 2,368 friends are honest-to-goodness pals and that I suck because I have less than 100 friends... take a deep breath. It's none of my business what you do with your account. Friend everyone. Go for it. I don't really care. But I reserve the right to roll my eyes and smirk when I look at the number of "friends" you have.

LOST in Despair: 12 Steps to Overcome my Addiction

Hi. My name is Dorothy and I'm a LOST addict. I have watched and theorized and obsessed over clues for six years. Tomorrow it will be over. I am LOST in my despair. In preparation for this devastation, I would like to share my twelve stop program for dealing with LOST addiction. I hope it will help some of you.


1. Before beginning, find your Constant. Admit that you are powerless over the electromagnetic pull of the Island and its inhabitants. 


2. Believe that a Power greater than yourself (Jacob) can restore you to sanity.


3. Make a decision to turn your will and your life over to Jacob (as you understand him - tricky, I know).


4. Make a searching, fearless moral inventory of yourself, including any and all LOST paraphernalia, randomly doodled quotes, tattoos, and fan fiction. Face your inner Man-in-Black.


5. Admit to Jacob, yourself, and someone who has no clue who Desmond is, the nature and depth of your obsession.


6. Be ready to allow Jacob to remove your defects of character and hopefully give you some wine (not muddy stream water) while saying, "Because we don't accept this as a simple potion, but so that he shall be as one with me" in Latin. 


7. Humbly ask Jacob to remove your your shortcomings and provide a recommendation for a doctor to laser off the "Not Penny's Boat" tattoo from your bicep.


8. Make a list of all the people you have annoyed by attempting to explain LOST to them when they clearly, as Eloise would put it, are not ready.


9. Make amends to those people by discussing the Real Housewives of anywhere with them. This will be painful, but it is penance.


10. Continue to take personal inventory. I know you still have that collector's edition TV Guide under your bed.


11. Pray to Jacob, as you understand him to be... even if after Across the Sea you thought he was a candidate for the short bus... to give you the power to continue to live without LOST in your life.


12. Have a spiritual awakening, realizing that the DVDs will be released, allowing you to relive your days of addiction without the added sparkle of mysterious goodness... and prepare to mourn for the rest of your life because there will never be another LOST. Ever.

Ghostwriting... Thoughts from the Spectral Scribbler

I've done plenty of ghostwriting. Articles, blog posts, tweets... No big deal. Of course, it's hard to see my work out there with someone else's name on it, but it's part of the package of freelancing. Except...

I just finished a very rough draft of a novel for a client. I was overworked and underpaid. I had to take his ideas and fashion a story around them with his input. I took the job for the experience. He knew this, and for the most part was understanding. His impatience weighed on me, as he expected FAST results. Creativity isn't always speedy. I knew this was a first draft and it would be rewritten, so I just kept heaving words at the page and making notes when I realized that I had a continuity problem or a timing issue. My client preferred that I not go back to repair things - just keep writing.

So I vomited up over 33,000 words and handed them over with mixed feelings. I'm still trying to figure all of these feelings out. On one hand, I feel good that I provided my client with what he wanted. I have a sense of accomplishment and something to add to my resume. But... I am a perfectionist and handing over a piece that felt undone was difficult for me. But... those words are mine. A lot of the ideas are mine. But they no longer belong to me.

I didn't expect to feel like I just gave a child up for adoption. Okay, that's too melodramatic, but you get the idea. I worked for so many hours, both creating and writing... and it is now out of my hands. Yes, he asked if I would look at things as he works with it, and I agreed. But will I want to do this again? I don't know.

I have felt twinges of this with some of my other ghostwritten work, but not on this scale. Maybe with some time and distance, I will feel differently. For now I think I'll just dive into my other work...

"Social" Networking

As I continue to debate the conundrum of presenting myself to the public, another interesting thought came to me. Facebook and Twitter are "social" networking sites, are they not? The definition of social is: pertaining to, devoted to, or characterized by friendly companionship or relations. Okay, got it. So, those sites are there so I can communicate with friends, right?

Well, that was true until businesses decided to use it as a marketing tool. Just try to escape blatant self-promotion or advertising on social networking sites today. It won't happen. Yes, some are successful at balancing interesting, eccentric, or informative information amidst moments of self-important advertising of their services, but many are simply in it for the business aspects.

No, there isn't anything wrong with it. It was bound to happen. And while I tweet with reckless abandon, I also don't use my real name. Yes, some know who I am, but many do not. Followers may know that I am a freelance writer, but I don't really sell my wares. If they happen to enjoy my personality and it ends up in job, great! But that isn't my goal.

Note that on Facebook, I do NOT friend people who I don't know or who were not recommended personally by someone I do know. I don't have hundreds of friends, in fact I have less than one hundred. I like it that way. I can scroll past the Farmville and Mafia Wars updates and quickly see the personal updates of my friends in just a few minutes. I can respond to them personally because I'm not wading through a lot of rubbish from people I don't care about. I like that.

Facebook and Twitter are my avenues of interpersonal communication during my workday. Working from home, while full of advantages, can be a lonely enterprise. My social media conversations are my lifeline.

My goal is to exchange ideas with a broad spectrum of people. To learn from others and explore new viewpoints. To chat with old friends and make new ones. Oh, and to have fun. If, at some point, I decide that it is important to me to use these avenues for shameless self promotion, I will have to create new pages to present myself... At the moment, though, I think I'll keep the "social" in my networking.

WYSIWYG

I was writing a press release for a client when I ran across the acronym: WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get) and it made me pause. I have one identity across the Internet - on Twitter, Facebook, forums... whatever. I say what's on my mind and rarely censor myself. Is this a good thing?

In real-non-Internet life, I took that tack when I was PTA president. I told people in meetings that, while a president should be impartial, I had opinions. I would refrain from voting, but I wouldn't refrain from expressing myself. I told them to impeach me if they didn't like it. People didn't always agree with me, but they didn't want me to leave office... making it very difficult to step down when I was ready to move on.

Anyway, yesterday, someone was very nasty to a dear friend of mine on Twitter. I, of course, went on the attack. It didn't take long to put the jerk in his place. He never stood a chance. Within 4 tweets he was acknowledging his error. But... do I risk putting myself in an unfavorable light by calling a fucktard a fucktard?

I'm a freelance writer. But, more importantly, I'm a loyal friend. I do risk putting people off with my sarcasm and biting wit. Yesterday was really my first attack on anyone. It was completely justified and I am not sorry. Not in the least. But it raises this question: Should I have some separate identity online that is more restrained and professional? The very thought makes me shudder.

I am who I am. When working, I am professional. I produce excellent quality work, on anything from articles to blogs to fiction. Part of what I bring to the table is my dedication. What do you think? Do I need to try to be more politically correct online? If so, I'm not sure how to do that... I'm WYSIWYG.

Are My Eyes Bleeding?

One of my recent jobs was to write some website reviews. No problem, I've done hundreds. I received the list and dug in. I am here to tell you that I will never be the same.

Have you heard of Chatroulette? No registration, completely free social application. You click in and are suddenly face to face with a stranger via webcams. At least, that's the intention. I wasn't really ready to face strangers, so I disabled my webcam.

I won't bore you with the details. I'll get to the nitty gritty. Out of about 50 strangers, I saw a dozen teenage boys, two girls fluffing their hair, 4 balding men, and 3 erect penises. No kidding. Three guys were... um... pleasuring themselves with their webcams directed at their private bits. The first one took me a minute to process what I was seeing. I was shocked. I nexted the guy in horror. I was prepared for the second dude. I clicked on the button to report him (it probably does nothing, but I felt like a superhero - saving others from seeing that nastiness). The third perv nexted me before I could report him. I suppose my lack of webcam was a downer for him because he couldn't see my revulsion and disgust.

Bottom line, folks, Chatroulette is NOT like a fun gambling game. It's like Russian Roulette. And there are guys out there with loaded guns that they are just dying to show you. Ew.

By Popular Demand: GUNK

I have one of those recipes that is super easy, yet always popular at EVERY party. I suppose I may as well share it...

Okay, now this is my super secret recipe... so handle with care! All amounts are approximate... I don't bother to measure. It's a little different every time.

I use a 4.5qt dutch oven

Melt about 1/2 stick of butter over medium heat

Add about 1 1/2 bags mini marshmallows, stirring constantly until melted

Add a BIG (if I had to guess, it is probably close to 1/4 cup) scoop of peanut butter and stir till melted

Keeping heat on, add whatever cereal you have in the house until the pot is nearly full (Cheerios - regular or honey nut, Reeses, Rice Krispies, Rice Chex, Corn flakes all work well - mix and match. Cereals that are too sweet -Capn Crunch for example - will make the gunk too sweet)

Stir to coat - this works pretty easily if you keep the heat on

Dump the gunk into a buttered casserole dish. Do not press down. Heat the pan to release any stuck bits.

Let cool.

That's it. Enjoy.

100 Stories for Haiti

In case you haven't heard, a wonderful writer named Greg McQueen has been organizing 100 Stories for Haiti, a project that will benefit the Red Cross relief efforts in Haiti. He has recruited numerous volunteers to write, edit, and advertise the project. I have submitted a story for consideration and I hope it is chosen.

The final product will be available in eBook format (thanks to Smashwords) and paperback (thanks to Unbound Press). I hope we will be able to find a company willing to produce an audiobook version as well.

This effort deserves your attention. Greg has been taking on a wonderful leadership role - go check out the website with his video updates. And when the book becomes available in a few weeks, I will link to it here. Please buy one!

On a personal note, I wish to extend a very special thank you to Greg's wife who created the lovely web badge you see here.